Career Suggestions For Mariah Carey

Contributed by Madfan:

How do you solve a problem like Mariah? Nowadays, give her a record deal – she’ll blow it by churning out bad-sounding, whispery albums. Give her a movie project – it will bomb. Give the devil its due though, she INDEED has already made a name for herself, so we cannot just simply let the Diva of All Divas fade into oblivion. We need to keep her around, to entertain us, to get us through the rain in this J.Lo-infested world. Therefore, the Secret Organization of Unfaithful Lambs (S.O.U.L.), to which I am Assistant to the Assistant to the Vice President [L.O.L.], came up with the following suggestions for Mariah. These are career alternatives she can choose from, so as to spare the earth (where she WAS already voted the Most Annoying Person ever) from all her horrible songs and movies, yet by choosing any of them, she’ll still be visible on the scene. The world still needs laughter, after all. Read on for the list of things Mariah can do OUTSIDE the limelight.

1. Be a mother her Heiresses Apparent, through advice and writing songs for them, be it Christina Aguilera or Kelly Clarkson, or BOTH. Madonna has already done (and doing) this for Britney Spears – and the results have been beneficial for both mentor and protege so far. However, this may not work for Mariah, especially with Christina. We all know that they can’t stand each other. This may only result in false-hair pulling. But seriously, maybe this is really a bad idea. Aguilera and Clarkson already have MORE powerful singing voices and are much more popular and in demand. Maybe she needs to learn FROM them, especially about singing by using a real voice.

2. Write children’s books. Kids’ books is the IN thing with great or once-great celebs nowadays. Possible titles for Mariah: “M. and Em Play House,” “A Visit to the Hospital,” “M Plays Dress-Up: A Paper Doll Book With Removable Clothes.” Those silly Kabbalah inspired stories by another pop star will eat dust once these By Mariah titles come out.

3. Do a reality show with Liza Minelli AND Anna Nicole Smith. THAT will be a hit – and no one will call her Flop Queen anymore. Call it “Steel Butterflies” or something like “The Has-Beens.” That’s the only hope for her to be acclaimed, even for fun, here in America.

4. Live AND work in Southeast Asia or some other third world country, where she accepted, and most importantly, where she is still THE ONE, where she is still thronged. There she can do movies, TV shows, write magazine articles, record albums, live the life. She’ll definitely be a hit there once again. For here in North America, she just doesn’t stand a chance – unless she does a reality show.

There is still time, Mariah. Think.

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10 thoughts on “Career Suggestions For Mariah Carey

  1. B0rntoplay says:

    I don’t see why stuff like this is posted, but this is going to anger a lot of her fans.

  2. Tina31182 says:

    I think that’s the point. And I have to admit that after getting over the confusion of what the hell Madfan was doing I just started kicking back and laughing at how much people freak out over what is posted. It is pretty damn entertaining.

  3. Fausto-A says:

    This post is pointless, why do you even bother writing this stuff?? It ain’t really funny,has nothing to do with facts and you are just going to piss off her fans to piss them off!

  4. crunked says:

    What a load of BULL! This lowlife Madfan obviously has nothing better to do than make up stupid CRAP! I have a suggestion for you, get a life man! You have way too much time on your hands and you would be doing everyone a great favor by just ending your pathetic life with a bullet to your empty brain!

  5. mikemc says:

    Madfan, by posting garbage like this you have OFFICIALLY become the biggest loser in the world. What does your days consist of, writing LONG and ANNOYING essays on You need to stop over analyzing every move Mariah makes, being that she has already cemented herself in history as the BIGGEST SELLING FEMALE ARTIST IN HISTORY, and take care of your own self. By posting crap like this, and online apologies to Britney Spears, you make yourself look pathetic and like the loser you are. Go back to school, get a job, masturbate, do something constructive with yourself. Whether you like it or not Mariah is still Mariah, you can’t take a superstar like Mariah down. I would also like to point out a LOT of your wrongdoings as well. In your first paragraph, were you claim that Kelly and Christina are in MUCH more demand then Mariah, WTF!!!! Mariah’s “Charmbracelet” album sold MORE then Kelly Clarkson’s debut album, how does that make her in more demand then Mariah?? While Christina is on her second album, with sales in the US down more then 60% from her debut album. Yeah, your claims are so factual!!!! RIGHT!

  6. No_Justice says:

    It’s bashing like this that really proves how big Mariah is. When other singers fans bash Mariah, it is because they are threatened by the face that Mariah has had so much more success that than who ever they follow. Thank you Madfan for proving why Mariah is the best.

  7. monarc20 says:

    This is just funny I mean this person has some issue’s. I don’t like a lot of Star’s but I would not spend as much time as this person does writing stuff this ignorant. Mariah’s latest Album “Charmbracelet” gave her, her second largest opening week sale’s ever and has sold 5 million copy’s world wide. Not to mention “WiseGirls” which came out after “Glitter” got her amazing review’s and a standing no vision at the Sun Dance Film Festival. So just stick your lame pointless idea’s to your self or start worry as much about your self as you do Mariah or any Star for that matter.

  8. cheer_tech says:

    What is this? First off, I’m not gonna insult the writer cause that’s ignorant and stupid…but what I am going to say is that this post is very ignorant…it’s not funny, at all…and it’s totally uncalled for. Just because you don’t like her music, that doesn’t make it bad or horrible…that makes it something YOU don’t like…if you don’t like Mariah and her music…don’t pay it any attention…why focus yer energy and time on someone you “don’t like” hmm? just a thought

  9. OohSexxy says:

    Why wont people leave Mariah Carey alone and concentrate on J.Lo’s career going bad? Everyone always wants to hate on the truly talented, Mariah, X-Tina, Beyonce it’s always the ones who can actually sing being hated on the most.

  10. isykal says:

    I think this is stupid and very rude!!! but the truth is that it’s really funny. I was lmao!!! the funniest part is about Mariah writing a book called “A Visit To The Hospital.”

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