Contributed by Madfan:
How do you solve a problem like Mariah? Nowadays, give her a record deal – she’ll blow it by churning out bad-sounding, whispery albums. Give her a movie project – it will bomb. Give the devil its due though, she INDEED has already made a name for herself, so we cannot just simply let the Diva of All Divas fade into oblivion. We need to keep her around, to entertain us, to get us through the rain in this J.Lo-infested world. Therefore, the Secret Organization of Unfaithful Lambs (S.O.U.L.), to which I am Assistant to the Assistant to the Vice President [L.O.L.], came up with the following suggestions for Mariah. These are career alternatives she can choose from, so as to spare the earth (where she WAS already voted the Most Annoying Person ever) from all her horrible songs and movies, yet by choosing any of them, she’ll still be visible on the scene. The world still needs laughter, after all. Read on for the list of things Mariah can do OUTSIDE the limelight.
1. Be a mother her Heiresses Apparent, through advice and writing songs for them, be it Christina Aguilera or Kelly Clarkson, or BOTH. Madonna has already done (and doing) this for Britney Spears – and the results have been beneficial for both mentor and protege so far. However, this may not work for Mariah, especially with Christina. We all know that they can’t stand each other. This may only result in false-hair pulling. But seriously, maybe this is really a bad idea. Aguilera and Clarkson already have MORE powerful singing voices and are much more popular and in demand. Maybe she needs to learn FROM them, especially about singing by using a real voice.
2. Write children’s books. Kids’ books is the IN thing with great or once-great celebs nowadays. Possible titles for Mariah: “M. and Em Play House,” “A Visit to the Hospital,” “M Plays Dress-Up: A Paper Doll Book With Removable Clothes.” Those silly Kabbalah inspired stories by another pop star will eat dust once these By Mariah titles come out.
3. Do a reality show with Liza Minelli AND Anna Nicole Smith. THAT will be a hit – and no one will call her Flop Queen anymore. Call it “Steel Butterflies” or something like “The Has-Beens.” That’s the only hope for her to be acclaimed, even for fun, here in America.
4. Live AND work in Southeast Asia or some other third world country, where she accepted, and most importantly, where she is still THE ONE, where she is still thronged. There she can do movies, TV shows, write magazine articles, record albums, live the life. She’ll definitely be a hit there once again. For here in North America, she just doesn’t stand a chance – unless she does a reality show.
There is still time, Mariah. Think.