‘Dukes’ Is Dangerous For Humans And All Living Things

Abbie Normal of the Santa Cruz Sentinel reviewed Jessica Simpson’s big-screen debut ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, horrified by the flick. “Everything about ‘Dukes’ is an abomination,” Normal writes. “Absolutely do not go see it. It will maim you. Your spirit will be crushed. You’ll need an intervention. No one will talk to you if they find out you saw it. Unless, of course, you are an 11-year-old boy. They’ll adore Jessica Simpson’s boobs and the bland car chases.” What does Abbie have to say about Simpson’s performance? “There is a zombie-esque quality about this woman that makes me gasp,” she writes. “Nothing about her is real. Her teeth are so huge and white they are like envelopes sticking out of her mouth. I’m certain she is evil. Rob Zombie evil. Also, she is not funny.”