Oh! No! It’s another essay making fun of the great goddess Christina Aguilera and her legion of fans which comprised mostly of ten year olds, deaf people and of course, men in drag will be furious. Yes, people! Your goddess has a problem and as someone who has a PHD control, I have been asked to advise the world on how to rid a blonde, transvestite, screeching cockroach.
Our little white Pittsburgh bug was as vanilla as Barry Manilow singing about “Genies and bottles”, as giggly as a “hooker on a unicorn” and as inoffensive as “bananas in white bread” when she first came out. But still, everyone hated her, from Eminem to Ricky Martin to Pink to Kelly Osbourne. Christina in the classic role, beautifully portrayed in “white chicks” just shrugged, twirled her whorish platinum hair and said, “whatever!”
Then she decided to use the few brain cells that she had and decided that she should be a “Latina” since racial groups are not something you are born into, but something greedy stupid white Pittsburgh cockroach claim shamelessly in order to make mucho mucho dinero. When asked if she talked Spanish, Aguilera was as fluent as the Chihuahua in the taco bell commercial – Yo quiero enganarte porque soy una puta blanca …
Done with her Latina phase, she quickly switched sides again since it has been known that cockroaches are able to adapt to diverse environments, and turned “porn star”. Since all hookers are actually feminists and philosophers, therefore Aguilera released “Dirty” … oops, i meant to say “Dirrty” in honor of her stealing Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” Talking jive and all, with an attitude that screamed straight from the ghetto, you could swear Aguilera is the only black girl in Hollywood.
And now, once again, she has transformed herself and this time around, she’s a blonde transvestite trapped in the time machine, who’s all about mediating on the Maha Devi. Visiting India to further prove that she knew that there are more cultures to claim her own to exploit and promising an album that is inspired aka stole from the twenties and thirties, Aguilera is once again the genius in her own wonderland.
Now, don’t be mad, since I talked mean about your goddess but if you qualify with any of these conditions, you are certified intelligence-challenged
1) thinks that singing the same note for an hour is an art form and that Aguilera sings better than everyone — Aguilera moans even better, just to the amazing depth of “Dirrrty”
2) Thinks “stripped” is a classic. Classics are work of artists, but strippers generally get stripped to get work. Aguilera is a classic stripper alright
3) Thinks everyone who hates your goddess is a fan of Britney Spears. Noooo! People who hate your goddess are not blind or deaf..
4) Thinks she’s the ultimate. Finally, here is where we agree. She’s the ultimate cockroach that will finally be trampled by her own dumbassness when her new album comes out.
Face it people, her last album only sold 3 million copies and her new one will be lucky to sell half of that, and that would be the time when I can finally leave the cheese out.