Leno’s Jacko Monologue

Jay Leno joked about Michael Jackson during most of his Tonight Show monologue on Friday night following the King of Pop’s child molestation charges. Read on for a transcript.

Jay: Boy, what a crowd. You sound like San Quentin when they heard they might be getting Michael Jackson, yeah!

[ Laughter ] Oh, man. Well, what a story this has turned out to be. You probably saw this on the news. After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked the police, “These are neat. Do they come in the smaller sizes?” See, I don’t think that — yeah.

[ Audience ohs ] That was my feeling exactly.

[ Laughter ] And now he is out on bail again, and he still doesn’t get it. The reporters asked him, “What are you gonna do now?” He said, “I’m going to Disneyland.” The wrong answer.

[ Laughter ] And attorney Mark Geragos, you know that guy. He’s defending both Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson. See, here’s how it works. Apparently, Geragos takes the guys who are even too guilty for Johnnie Cochran. That’s what — Johnnie goes, “I’m out of here. Mark, why don’t you fill in on this one?” You know — you know something?

[ Applause ] I’ll tell ya —

Kevin: Who.

Jay: You know who’s really had a tough time this week is attorney Gloria Allred. I mean, does she continue to hog the camera at the Scott Peterson trial, or does she drop everything and shoehorn her way into the Michael Jackson scandal? You see what I’m sayin’? It’s tough.

Kevin: “Shoehorn”?

Jay: Shoehorn. That’s correct, shoehorn.

Kevin: All right.

Jay: Shoehorn. Well, you know where Mike — you know where Michael is now?

Kevin: No, where is he?

Jay: Michael is in Las Vegas, making a music video with R. Kelly.

[ Laughter ] Well, that’s good publicity, huh? What are they going to do this weekend? Maybe take a trip to the old John Wayne Gacy place, hang out over there for a while. Ooh.

Kevin: I’m gonna have to get a seat belt. This is gonna be a long Michael Jackson ride.

[ Laughter ] I’m gonna get a seat belt.

Jay: What are you talking about?

[ Cheers and applause ] You know, I tell you, though, I think Michael’s kind of cocky. I think he thinks he might get off. Did you see him today when reporters asked him a question? Show him today. Show the footage of him on his way back to Vegas.

Hi, Michael. How many boys do you want in Vegas? [Jackson holds up two fingers] Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Jay: Yeah, not good. Not good.

[ Applause ] And today on the news, they were interviewing Michael Jackson’s personal magician. Did you see this guy?

Kevin: I did see him.

Jay: Did you see him?

Kevin: Majestic, right?

Jay: Yeah, Majestic, his personal magician, his job is to go to Neverland Ranch and make all of the evidence disappear. That’s basically his — his job. You know what’s fascinating? It took police two days to get Michael, because they went to arrest him at Neverland, he wasn’t there. He wasn’t at the ranch. Turns out he had been tipped off. See, what happened was the giraffe saw the police coming.

[ Laughter ] The giraffe told the chimp, who then told Michael to “get the hell out of here.” That’s what — that’s what happened.

[ Laughter ] See, the giraffe saw the cops.

Kevin: Oh, figured that out, oh.

Jay: With the long neck, they were able to see — see down the street, yeah. Well, god bless him.

[ Applause ] God bless him. Michael says he’s gonna fight these charges tooth and nail. That was his quote, “tooth and nail.” ‘Cause those are the only two original body parts he has left, one tooth and, I think, and a nail.

[ Laughter ] And earlier in the week, CBS postponed their big Michael Jackson special that was supposed to be on next week. The bad news for CBS, they’re replacing it with the Phil Spector music special.

[ Laughter ] With musicians killing people, I better take it easy on Kev.

[ Light laughter ] You know what’s interesting, all of this hoopla over Michael Jackson yesterday, nobody noticed that legendary music producer Phil Spector was charged with murder. And, boy, is his publicist pissed off.

[ Light laughter ] “What do I got to do to get a headline in this town? Hey, my guy — can I get a little sugar here? My guy murdered somebody. Hello? Hello? Can I get a little headline?” So far, let’s see, we have Robert Blake charged with murder. Phil Spector charged with murder. Scott Peterson charged with murder. In fact, O.J. Simpson said, “I got out of L.A. Just in time. You know, this place isn’t safe for murderers anymore.”

later…

Jay: Oh, boy, here’s a big story in the world of sports. Major league soccer has signed 14-year-old phenom Freddy Adu. You hear about this kid? This 14-year-old soccer player, unbelievable, to a six-year deal. 14 years old. So congratulations, Freddy Adu. He is now the richest 14-year-old in the country not dating Michael Jackson.