Conan O’Brien had a segment on Friday for Triumph’s appearance at the VMA red carpet, the show, and the press conference afterwards. For a transcript to what happened, including shots at J.Lo of course, and *NSYNC, Jessica Simpson, Pauly Shore, Will Smith, and others… read on.
Conan: The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and it was a big, big deal. All the big stars turn out. Well, we here at “Late Night” were especially proud that our good friend got to go. And by our good friend, I mean Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog.
Yeah. He got to go. He was also one of the featured performers on the show. He got an album on the charts. This guy’s gonna places. And apparently triumph was there all night and before the show, he actually caught the action on the red carpet, brought a film crew. Take a look.
Triumph: Tonight, the met opera house is brimming with hundreds of pop music’s biggest stars. Yes, the entire spectrum of pop music is represented here — everything from crap to [ Bleep ].
Hey, where’s DJ Jazzy Jeff? Where’s Jazzy Jeff? Doesn’t he get to poop on movie screens once a year, too? We love you.
Hey, A.J., You’re a Backstreet Boy. Why did it take so long for you to get depressed?
Gwen Stefani! Gwen, there’s no doubt that you suck.
I’m trying to figure out who of us — which of us has the better life. What do you think, folks? What’s better? To interview boy bands all day or to eat your own puke.
It’s a hard one. There’s Jessica Simpson. Very original. She’s being told what Britney’s doing so that she can rip it off.
Nelly Furtado. Here we go.
For Pauly Shore: This is very embarrassing. The 1995 awards are right next door.
Run, Mick, run! *NSYNC is performing! Run! Your life is to catch second-hand stuff!
Janet Jackson, please talk to me! Is my Michael coming? Is he bringing the llama?
I want to insult the llama.
Conan: Yeah, that was some night.
He did a good job. Well —
Well, of course, after he was done on the red carpet, then it was time for the actual awards show itself. Here’s a highlight from Triumph’s appearance.
Triumph: How do you score, man? You must be hung like a great dane.
What am I doing talking to you? J. Lo, J. Lo —
Please, J. Lo, please let me sniff your butt.
Come on! J. Lo! I don’t get it, J. Lo. It — she doesn’t understand. For a dog, it’s like climbing Mt. Everest.
Conan: Yeah, they’re good friends in real life.
They hang out a lot. Anyway, afterwards, triumph was immediately hustled to the press tent, where I thought he conducted himself very professionally and did a great job.
Triumph: I don’t know if you saw it, but I was up there and I feel a little guilty. I — I used MTV’s offer as a means of trying to sniff J. Lo’s butt.
And as you could see, I didn’t get the opportunity. I can only continue to imagine the aroma —
Which I imagine to be pungent, yet sweet.
All right. I’ll take your questions.
The first question over here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Now, you did not —
Triumph: Pittsburgh is a wonderful town for me to poop on.
You did not smell J. Lo’s butt, but I noticed that she said something to you when she pushed you away. I’m just wondering what J. Lo said to you.
It was a Spanish curse.
It’s a language I don’t understand, but I cod d tell that it was vulgar.
No, she was very nice. Honestly, J. Lo rules. Her butt rules.
Let’s face it, it’s all about the butt. I mean, have you heard her album? I think — I think her butt actually sings on it.
I tease, I tease, I tease. Next question, next question.
What other dogs on TV, celebrity dogs, do you find attractive?
Triumph: Sally Jessy Raphael.
You know, other than that — you know, Benji’s cool. Of course he’s gay. We all know that.
We all know Benji poops on both sides of the street, if you know what I’m saying.
All right, next question. What do we got here?
Over here, over here. Knowing that you’re a canine, have you ever messed around with any pussy… cats?
Triumph: All right. Let’s not trivialize the evening.
It was a great night for me to poop on. I was honored to speak about these Viewers Choice nominees. I even have prepared a special video tribute to my two favorite nominees, Destiny’s Child and *NSYNC.
They then show a video of Triumph humping Beyonce’s Leg in the Survivor video and then humping Justin’s butt in the Pop video.