More Troops Needed To Force J.Lo To Marry Ben Affleck

According to the Borowitz Report, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, who earlier this year predicted that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck would wed this Sunday in Santa Barbara, California, today told Congress that more troops would be needed to force the two altar-shy celebrities to tie the knot. “We are making progress in moving this wedding forward, but significant obstacles remain,” said Wolfowitz in asking Congress for emergency funding in the amount of $124 billion.