Nick Lachey Defends Jessica Simpson On SNL

Last night’s Saturday Night Live featured a segment on Jessica Simpson and 98 Degrees star Nick Lachey, where Nick defended Jessica’s intelligence. Read on for a transcript of the skit.

And now a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nick: Hi. I’m Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 degrees and currently of — well, nothing.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: And I’m his wife, Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band Jessica Simpson.

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Briefly, thanks to our TV show “Newlyweds,” a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife.

Jessica: Seriously, you guys, it’s totally mean. I’m not stupid. Okay. So, I’m not some fancy middle school graduate, big whoop.

Nick: [ Laughter ] Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school? I don’t think so!

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Look, here’s the deal — I’ve known Jessica for a long time. And I know she’s not going to cure cancer, okay? To be honest, I wouldn’t trust her to cure a ham.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: Oh, the ham is sick?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Once I got past all that, I realized something very important. She wasn’t going to let me have sex with her, unless we were married, okay?

Jessica: Huh-uh. No way.

Nick: So, I married her. And it was awesome. Like, really awesome. Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from a different angle, if you know what I mean.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: Honey, what are you talking about?

Nick: Don’t worry about it. Look, the point is everyone should just back off. All right?

Jessica: For reals, y’all. You guys are over-reacting. Okay, so what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?

[ Laughter ] Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalo?

[ Laughter ] So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?

[ Laughter ] So what if I never learned to read or write and when I sign my autographs, I have to sign with an “x”?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Okay honey. That’s enough.

Jessica: No, nick. It’s not enough. I want these people to know that this hurts my feelings.

[ Laughter ] When they say I’m not edumacated or whatever. I mean, if I’m so retarded, how come my driver’s license says “functionally retarded”?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Okay. Wrap it up.

Jessica: So, in conclusion, you may call me dumb. You may call me stupid. You may even call me dumb.

[ Laughter ] But think about this —

[ Laughter ]

Nick: What, honey? Think about what?

Jessica: What?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: The point, you were making a point.

Jessica: When?

[ Laughter ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool.

Nick: Okay, that’s great, honey.

Jessica: When I said pool, I meant toilet.

Nick: Yeah, yeah, I got that.

Jessica: And kids mean poop.

This has been a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.