Nick Lachey Defends Jessica Simpson On SNL
Last night’s Saturday Night Live featured a segment on Jessica Simpson and 98 Degrees star Nick Lachey, where Nick defended Jessica’s intelligence. Read on for a transcript of the skit.
And now a message from nick lachey and jessica simpson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nick: Hi. I’m nick lachey, formerly of the band 98 degrees and currently
of — well, nothing.
[ Laughter ]
Jessica: And I’m his wife, jessica simpson, formerly of the band jessica
simpson.
[ Laughter ]
Nick: Briefly, thanks to our tv show “newlyweds,” a lot of people have
been saying a lot of nasty
things about my wife.
Jessica: Seriously, you guys, it’s totally mean. I’m not stupid. Okay.
So, I’m not some fancy middle school
graduate, big whoop.
Nick: [ Laughter ] Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever
comes after middle
school? I don’t think so!
[ Laughter ]
Nick: Look, here’s the deal — I’ve known jessica for a long time. And
I know she’s not going to cure
cancer, okay? To be honest, I wouldn’t trust her to cure a ham.
[ Laughter ]
Jessica: Oh, the ham is sick?
[ Laughter ]
Nick: Once I got past all that, I realized something very important.
She wasn’t going to let me have
sex with her, unless we were married, okay?
Jessica: Huh-uh. No way.
Nick: So, I married her. And it was awesome. Like, really awesome. Then,
it got less awesome.
Then, it got awesome again, from a different angle, if you know what
I mean.
[ Laughter ]
Jessica: Honey, what are you talking about?
Nick: Don’t worry about it. Look, the point is everyone should just
back off. All right?
Jessica: For reals, y’all. You guys are over-reacting. Okay, so what
if I thought chicken of the sea tuna was
actually chicken?
[ Laughter ] Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out
of buffalo?
[ Laughter ] So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought
peter pan was ground up to make
peanut butter?
[ Laughter ] So what if I never learned to read or write and when I
sign my autographs, I have to sign
with an “x”?
[ Laughter ]
Nick: Okay honey. That’s enough.
Jessica: No, nick. It’s not enough. I want these people to know that
this hurts my feelings.
[ Laughter ] When they say I’m not edumacated or whatever. I mean, if
I’m so retarded, how come my
driver’s license says “functionally retarded”?
[ Laughter ]
Nick: Okay. Wrap it up.
Jessica: So, in conclusion, you may call me dumb. You may call me stupid.
You may even call me dumb.
[ Laughter ] But think about this –
[ Laughter ]
Nick: What, honey? Think about what?
Jessica: What?
[ Laughter ]
Nick: The point, you were making a point.
Jessica: When?
[ Laughter ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool.
Nick: Okay, that’s great, honey.
Jessica: When I said pool, I meant toilet.
Nick: Yeah, yeah, I got that.
Jessica: And kids mean poop.
This has been a message from nick lachey and jessica simpson.
Tags: Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey
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