Nick Lachey Defends Jessica Simpson On SNL

Last night’s Saturday Night Live featured a segment on Jessica Simpson and star Nick Lachey, where Nick defended Jessica’s intelligence. Read on for a transcript of the skit.

And now a message from and Jessica Simpson.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nick: Hi. I’m Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 degrees and currently of — well, nothing.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: And I’m his wife, Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band Jessica Simpson.

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Briefly, thanks to our TV show “Newlyweds,” a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife.

Jessica: Seriously, you guys, it’s totally mean. I’m not stupid. Okay. So, I’m not some fancy middle school graduate, big whoop.

Nick: [ Laughter ] Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school? I don’t think so!

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Look, here’s the deal — I’ve known Jessica for a long time. And I know she’s not going to cure cancer, okay? To be honest, I wouldn’t trust her to cure a ham.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: Oh, the ham is sick?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Once I got past all that, I realized something very important. She wasn’t going to let me have sex with her, unless we were married, okay?

Jessica: Huh-uh. No way.

Nick: So, I married her. And it was awesome. Like, really awesome. Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from a different angle, if you know what I mean.

[ Laughter ]

Jessica: Honey, what are you talking about?

Nick: Don’t worry about it. Look, the point is everyone should just back off. All right?

Jessica: For reals, y’all. You guys are over-reacting. Okay, so what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?

[ Laughter ] Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalo?

[ Laughter ] So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?

[ Laughter ] So what if I never learned to read or write and when I sign my autographs, I have to sign with an “x”?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Okay honey. That’s enough.

Jessica: No, nick. It’s not enough. I want these people to know that this hurts my feelings.

[ Laughter ] When they say I’m not edumacated or whatever. I mean, if I’m so retarded, how come my driver’s license says “functionally retarded”?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: Okay. Wrap it up.

Jessica: So, in conclusion, you may call me dumb. You may call me stupid. You may even call me dumb.

[ Laughter ] But think about this —

[ Laughter ]

Nick: What, honey? Think about what?

Jessica: What?

[ Laughter ]

Nick: The point, you were making a point.

Jessica: When?

[ Laughter ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool.

Nick: Okay, that’s great, honey.

Jessica: When I said pool, I meant toilet.

Nick: Yeah, yeah, I got that.

Jessica: And kids mean poop.

This has been a message from and Jessica Simpson.

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8 thoughts on “Nick Lachey Defends Jessica Simpson On SNL

  1. BadAss4Backstreet says:

    So, I’m guessing this was a skit done by the SNL characters and not THEM making a special appearance on the show for entertainment value? Seeing that I don’t watch SNL anymore, and that I KNOW that sometimes stars will drop in unannounced to say “HI”…… Can someone PLEASE clear this up for me?

  2. RedHottx-TinaFan says:

    Okay Justin was on SNL last night and he played Jessica Simpson and Chris K. played Nick L. They were making fun of them.

  3. BabyBlue2578 says:

    No, Justin played Jessica (LMAO) and Jimmy Fallon was Nick. Highly hilarious

    It was Jimmy Fallon lol. Chris Kattan is unfortunately gone from SNL.

  4. B0rntoplay says:

    That was some pretty funny stuff. I didn’t really like Jessica before this show, but I love her now. She may be a little bit of an air-head, but she still seems like a cool girl. Oh well, I’m just glad there is another season coming

  5. BadAss4Backstreet says:

    SO it was Justin T. and Jimmy Fallon playing them? OMG….I kinda wish I could have seen it! That is hilarious sounding! If anyone caught it on tape, drop me a PM!! I’d like to make you an offer.

  6. bluerose88 says:


  7. Madfan says:

    Justin was so funny…and so cute…I’m a new fan…i think I’m in love…again

  8. mel_melanie says:

    That was so funny…but in real life Jessica Simpson is a bitch and retarded.

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