Simon ‘Humbled’ By Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

American Idol judge Simon Cowell was put in his place by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on Late Night with Conan O’Brien on Wednesday. Triumph suggested he sue Supercuts for his ’80s hairstyle and suggested the show is so much about him, they should rename ‘American Idol’ to ‘British Homo’. After the verbal assault, Simon could only say, ‘I feel humbled.’ Read on for a transcript.

Triumph: I’m ready for you, bitch! Talk about wasting my life watching
that — no, no, it was great. It was great. It was a fascinating interview.
I’ve always wondered what it would be like if we blow-dried the “weakest
link” chick and cut off her nuts.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Seriously, seriously, man. What’s with the ’80s
hair?

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Look at that thing. Look at that. What’s with
the ’80s hairstyle, man? Look at this. You look like denny terrio shtupped
a chow-chow. [ Laughter ] Get a lawyer and sue supercuts.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] Got a few more here.

[ Laughter ] All right. No, seriously, who the hell do you think you
are?

[ Laughter ]

[ Bleep ]

[ Laughter ] Listen to me. You’re telling — see, I don’t understand
the logic. Let me fix my arm here.

[ Laughter ]

Conan: He has trouble with his arm sometimes.

Triumph: Seriously, what’s the logic here? You go on, and you tell people
that they have no talent? That’s like poop telling vomit it stinks. [ Laughter
] [ Applause ] I kid. I kid. You’re a big star. You’re a big star. You’re
like the star of “American Idol.” Seriously. They should rename it “British
Homo.”

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience oohs ]

Triumph: [ Applause ] He’s a tough guy. No, he’s good. He’s good. He’s
fine. Don’t worry about him. He can handle it. He gives it to people straight
and hard. [ Laughter ] I guess — I guess I don’t need a punch line for
that one.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Go back to england, bitch!

Conan: Oh, he’s too far. He goes too far.

[ Cheers and applause ] It shouldn’t happen to anyone.

[ Laughter ]

Simon: I feel humbled.