John Mayer Goes On ‘Chelsea Lately’ Twitter Attack

John Mayer live tweeted coverage of E!’s ‘Chelsea Lately’ on Monday night, taking several shots at host Chelsea Handler who has been giving the singer songwriter a rough time. Among Mayer’s Twitter posts (@johncmayer):

east coast people who have already seen the telecast, please don’t give away any of her biting satire. I want to not laugh.

What color is her hair? It’s not dirty blond. Filthy blond?

This show is so unfunny it just stripped jokes off of other funny things.

So far this show has come through with its promise of lots of exclamation points but zero E.

I think I just heard Chelsea’s chair yawn.

I kid, I kid. We’re just having fun. She has a great crowd tonight. It’s called “laughter.mp3”

That was fun. Chelsea bashes me all the time, can’t I bash her one night on my Twitter? Yes. (The answer is yes.)

John Mayer Leaving Dan Tana’s

August 10, 2009 – John Mayer was spotted leaving Dan Tana’s with friends via the back door in West Hollywood on Saturday night (August 8). After the singer songwriter hopped in the back of an awaiting SUV, security got upset with paparazzi blocking the driver from exiting. Watch footage below.

John Mayer Wonders Why Chelsea Handler Hates Him

Chelsea Handler took a shot at John Mayer when Jennifer Aniston was in the audience at the Women in Film Crystal and Lucy Awards, and now Mayer is wondering on his Twitter (@johncmayer) why he’s the subject of the talk show host’s hostility. The singer songwriter tells followers:

I’m trying to figure out why Chelsea Handler has such seething hatred for me. I must remind her of someone she knows and doesn’t like.

She once told me it was cocky of me to try my hand at comedy. Like I’m supposed to begin every joke with “here’s one that might not work…”

“Now, I’m just a musician and comedy is not my forte, so bear with me, but true story, I got into a cab today…”

If Chelsea Handler wanted to dabble in singing and playing guitar, I’d give her props for it. (I do talk too much though.)

Songwriting Has Become Difficult For John Mayer

July 31, 2009 – John Mayer checked in with fans on his Twitter (@johncmayer) on Thursday (July 30), talking about the difficulties of songwriting being a popular public figure. Mayer writes:

I find it hard to write lyrics like I used to. This is not because people know so much about me, but because of what they think they know.

So I find myself trying to guess what they think they know and then trying to steer clear of it and find another way to explain myself.

The whole thing gets very tiresome and has led me to say “fu** it” and write exactly like I used to.

John Mayer Loved Raw & Pure Concert At Hotel Cafe

John Mayer was spotted leaving Hotel Cafe in Hollywood on Tuesday night (July 28), where the singer songwriter performed a $5 show. Photographers and fans surrounded Mayer as he made his exit. Mayer wrote on his Twitter (@johncmayer) before and after the show:

Dear paparazzi, come and take some thrilling pics of me carrying a guitar and an amp through an alley. And be sure to shout nervously at me.

I loved tonight. Everything music should be. Raw and pure and sometimes great and sometimes not but everyone’s along for the ride.

Thanks for coming out, night cats. Let’s do it again soon.

Watch footage below.

John Mayer Shares Likely Fictional Robert Pattinson Encounter

July 23, 2009 – John Mayer joked about observing Robert Pattinson at the Academy Awards earlier today on Twitter (@johncmayer), saying he’d be appearing at Comic-Con this weekend to discuss the ‘Twilight’ star. Mayer writes:

I will be at Comic-Con this weekend to participate in a panel about the time I walked by Robert Pattinson backstage at the Oscars.

He had a bag of sandwiches with him that he couldn’t stop eating. Just one sandwich after another. Carried mustard in a holster.

I believed them to have been an assortment. I saw pumpernickel. RT @duckie808 no insights to the sandwiches in his bag?

At one point he bit into a chicken sandwich and a fair bit of pesto fell on De Niro’s shoe.

John Mayer: Twitter Is Killing My Songwriting

July 20, 2009 – John Mayer is claiming he’ll be slowing down on Twitter (@johncmayer) posts after having troubles coming up with thoughts for lyrics beyond the 140 character limit. The singer songwriter tells followers:

Suffering cerebral atrophy. Since I’ve been communicating in short pulses, I’ve been writing lyrics the same way.

The single-serve idea is killing my writing. Laying off a little in the coming weeks. Need books, thoughts, a sequence of ideas that build.

John Mayer Opines About Anti-Anxiety Medication

John Mayer checked in with fans on his Twitter (@johncmayer) earlier this morning, talking about anti-anxiety medication. The singer songwriter tells readers:

If you look at the staggering number of prescriptions written for anti-anxiety medication, you come to one of two conclusions. Either the level of anxiety in Americans is rising at an alarming rate, or the expectation for constant control of our consciousness is.

Point is, it’s hard to be emotionally placid all the time. Consciousness is a giant pain in the ass. It’s not a pony ride. This whole new expectation of endless bliss is so far off the mark. It’s lazy.

Whatever happened to coping? Standing in one’s self and asking truly “how do we get through this?” Separating real problems from ghosts.

Xanax. .05. Have em. Keep them on hand to plug the “what if?” loophole. But I just end up losing them in the washing machine.

Think about this: every animal lives under some other animal in the food chain. Except humans. Uncomfortable, so we made a bigger animal.

Clarification: many people do benefit greatly from meds. Just something crazy about the overall distribution. This means you, emo bands.

Wait, I have them too. I just took a giant dump all over my 12-tweet point. Nevermind. I need a Xanax now. ‘night!!

John Mayer Shares His Michael Jackson Dream

July 12, 2009 – Before documenting his trip to In-N-Out Burger, John Mayer discussed his dream about the late Michael Jackson on Twitter (@johncmayer) earlier today. The singer songwriter, who did an instrumental performance of ‘Human Nature’ at the King Of Pop’s memorial on Tuesday, writes:

I had a dream last night that young MJ was singing “Never Can Say Goodbye” in front of me. When I remembered the dream I had an insta-cry.

I swear, dreams dictate the emotional direction of my day on such a primal level.

John Mayer Honored To Be Part Of Michael Jackson Memorial Service

July 6, 2009 – John Mayer wrote on Twitter (@johncmayer) about being added to the Michael Jackson memorial at the Staples Center in Los Angeles tomorrow. The singer songwriter tells readers:

I’m honored to have been asked to play at MJ’s memorial service. I will be representing all of us who can’t be there.

Going to say goodbye from all us kids.

I also want you to know that I’m going not to “perform” but to contribute… Proud to be a musician.

Stars Tweet Happy 4th Of July Messages

Jordin Sparks among the stars offering a Happy 4th of July tweet (2009)Several pop stars took to their Twitter on July 4th to wish American fans a happy Independence Day. Among the tweets:

Aly & AJ (@78violet): Happy 4th of July! At the house bbqing with some close friends. Its a beautiful day out so let’s enjoy our freedom! Xo aly and aj

Savannah Outen (@therealsavannah): Happy Birthday America! Can’t wait to see everyone at my show tonight!

Brooke White (@realbrookewhite): God bless America, My Home sweet HOME!!! Happy 4th everyone!!

BoA (@BoA_USA): i can’t believe it’s already July…HAPPY 4TH OF JULY EVERYONE!

Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey): Happy 4th of July..Celebrate Life!

A Fine Frenzy (@AFineFrenzy): happy fourth of july!! be happy, be safe, have fun! xx

Miranda Cosgrove (@MirandaBuzz): Happy 4th of July! Have a good one!

John Mayer (@johncmayer): America, since it’s your birthday, you just lie on the couch. I’ll make you flapjacks. Today is your day. I am so happy to be your girl! XOX

Melody Thornton of Pussycat Dolls (@MelodyThornton): The 4th of july reminds me of Sandlot! Benny the Jet Rodriguez my all time love and Ray Charles! He has the best version of American the Beautiful

Kris Allen (@krisallen): “happy birthday to America. Happy birthday to you”

David Archuleta (@DavidArchie): Have a good 4th of July weekend everyone!!!

Paula Abdul (@PaulaAbdul): Happy 4th of July everyone! Hope you all are enjoying this Independence Day…xoP

Clique Girlz (@DestineeParis): Happy Fourth of July everyone!!!! Hope you all have an awesome day!!!! :D <333 Jordin Sparks (@TheRealJordin): Amen! Let's celebrate life today! Happy 4th of July!!! :)

John Mayer Ready To Play Guitar On Jay-Z’s ‘D.O.A.’

John Mayer was impressed with Jay-Z’s performance of ‘D.O.A.’ at Sunday night’s BET Awards, writing on his Twitter (@johncmayer):

Jay-Z is so good he makes me want to pack and move back to NYC tomorrow. Er, actually, maybe when the “hot wet garbage” months have passed.

I’m ready to play that guitar part to D.O.A. anytime he needs me.

I love how Jay-Z and I both go to the same place to do our deep thinking in music videos. Check out “Waiting on The World…” vs. “D.O.A.”

Watch the performance at YouTube.

John Mayer Gives Mario Lavandeira A Twitter Smackdown

John Mayer is taking on Mario Lavandeira after the gossip blogger pressed charges against’s manager following Sunday night’s Much Music Video Awards in Toronto. Lavandeira had baited the Black Eyed Peas star by insulting Fergie earlier in the evening and getting in his face and loudly calling him a “fu**ing fa**ot”, possibly breaking Canadian law against homophobic hate speech (Sec.319 of Canadian criminal code). With a slight below his eye, Perez twittered to his followers to flood the Toronto police department with emergency calls in a shameless bid for publicity and wasting valuable police resources in the process, and the singer songwriter called him out on it. Mayer writes on his Twitter (@johncmayer):

I love that @perezhilton uses his cellphone to log on to twitter to post a tweet to ask his followers to call the police for him.

Can somebody please call Amex and get me a replacement card?

Last year P!nk kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene?

@perezhilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.

@PerezHilton Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face.

@perezhilton I also want to train you in an old martial art called “Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu.”

@PerezHilton agreed. So let’s meet up this week and I’ll give you your first krav maga instruction. We’ll break the event down and learn…

@PerezHilton 1. de-escalation tactics. 2.Creating distance. Instuctives (“get back!” placing the hand out) 3. Combined block and attack….

@PerezHilton by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can’t, you will learn to end them.

@PerezHilton this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.

@perezhilton from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can’t blog the world, my friend.

@perezhilton people don’t want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.

John Mayer: I Don’t Have A Great (Dating) Track Record

June 17, 2009 – John Mayer reacted to a poll that said a majority of visitors wouldn’t want to date the singer songwriter linked temporarily to a string of female stars. Mayer writes on his Twitter (@johncmayer):

70% of readers said they would not date me. By the numbers: 13m site viewers-86% female= 11.1m-70% ‘no’ = 3.33m who WOULD!!

To my 3.33m foxy little ladies: requests for sweet, sweet love making will be answered in the order they were received.

Yes, outcalls only, 2 hour minimum. I conduct my affairs in a clean and hygenic fashion. RT @leaf606 Are you willing to travel?

Look, I don’t have a great track record. But real talk: NOBODY has a great track record until they win the race.

As I understand it, love, support, stability, consistency and slight boredom. RT @ThirdGirl What constitutes “winning the race,” exactly?

John Mayer Inspired After Hotel Cafe Show

June 16, 2009 – John Mayer was photographed leaving Hotel Cafe after performing a $5 gig at the Hollywood venue on Sunday night (June 14). Mayer signed autographs and posed for pictures with fans. Mayer wrote on his Twitter (@johncmayer) afterwards:

Thanks to everyone who came out to the show tonight. Came home and kept working. Very inspiring.

I’m still a few key songs short of an album. I hate and love this part of the process. Have to remind myself the ball is still in play.

Note: The image provided by Bauer Griffin has since been removed.

John Mayer Assists Rob Dyrdek After Pedamundo Celebration

John Mayer was photographed bringing what appeared to be an intoxicated Rob Dyrdek out of My House club in Hollywood, helping the skateboarder to his car on Saturday night (June 13). Mayer and Dyrdek were most likely in on a gag to dupe the paparazzi after celebrating John’s made up holiday “Pedamundo” at the club. He wrote afterwards on his Twitter (@johncmayer):

In triage at Cedars with @robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into applause.

Applause. Sh**! Applause.

Watch footage from X17 below.

John Mayer Saves Money Masturbating

After spending an unusual amount of time away from Twitter (@johncmayer), John Mayer is busy again with the Tweets. Mayer tells his 1.2 million followers:

Good news! I just saved 15% on my life’s savings by masturbating.

If you can change it, and you’re not changing it, and you’re lamenting it, isn’t that just a waste of every energy you have?

Now, not wanting to change it but having to change it? That takes everything you’ve got.

All day I will be posting pics that are guaranteed not to interest 1.2 million people. Rejoice!

John Mayer: I’m A Showbiz Type, But I Am Not A Douche

John Mayer explained how he differs from a douche or famewhore on his Twitter (@johncmayer) earlier today, instead calling himself a “showbiz type”. The singer songwriter tells readers:

I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t.

Let’s hammer this out today. Long before “douches” and “famewhores” there were these people called “showbiz types.”

“Showbiz types” are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet.

Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much.

So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry.

I’m a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!! (of 1,090,466, seventeen stand and applaud wildly)

John Mayer Parrots Pesky Paps Outside Katsuya

May 18, 2009 – After posing with some fans, John Mayer talked to the paparazzi outside Katsuya in Hollywood on Saturday (May 16). Actually, the singer songwriter imitated the irritating questions the photographers usually hurl at him, giving one guy a hard time for yelling questions even though he’s standing three feet away from him. Watch footage below.

John Mayer’s Career Takes A Dynamic New Direction

May 17, 2009 – John Mayer’s Saturday night Twitter postings (@johncmayer) suggest the singer songwriter is heading in a new direction musically. Mayer writes:

I’m working on these amazing new lyrics: ‘Tonight I’m going out/I need to feel that music move me/please, DJ don’t stop, I came to the club

To make the body rock/this Grey Goose going to my head, boom, boom, bang Mr DJ on the way to the restroom

I see a shorty staring like she’s legally blond/I’m staring back at her like I’m legally blind/ain’t felt this way in a long long time/boom bo’

Please respect this dynamic new direction in my career. Thank you.