Triumph the Insult Comic Dog released a statement in response to criticism for his advertisement for PETA with the controversial slogan: ‘Get Neutered – It Didn’t Hurt Clay Aiken.’ Triumph stated:
Recently I agreed to do an ad for PETA. Why? I’m not into animal rights. The only animal right I want is the right to hump Ashanti’s leg. Look at your average animal lovers, like Moby and Bill Maher. Sure, Bill Maher love animals… that’s because humans hate him! Moby? Nice guy, but not the best looking man. I hear Moby had sex with a poodle once, and the poodle was arrested for bestiality. Vegetarianism? Count me out. I ain’t giving up cow, or bird, or pig. So why the hell should you? Hell, we’d eat you if someone dropped a slice on the floor. Oh, yes. We’ll have the deep fried Moby with a side of glazed Mary Tyler Moore, please. Dessert? I’m torn between the Pam Anderson flambe and the flourless Alec Baldwin cake. Bottom line: animals are a**holes. Delicious a**holes.
Which brings me back to this PETA ad. Why would I endorse neutering? After all, I rip into another animal-hugging nut job, Bob Barker, on the CD. The guy can’t stop telling people to cut their pets’ nuts off. So Jack Black and I have at him: ‘Bob Barker got a bone to pick/gonna make a chew toy outta your di**/these teeth are sharp and the price is right/gonna neuter your ass with one nut crackin’ bite.’ There can be only one reason I would then turn around and advocate ball chopping: free publicity. Timed right with the release of the CD. Did I mention animals are a**holes?”
That should be the end of the story. But hold the phone – we’re dealing with PETA. Bong – cuckoo! As you see, I made a typically poopy quip in the ad: ‘Get Neutered – It Didn’t Hurt Clay Aiken.’ It actually wasn’t my first choice. I really wanted ‘Chop ‘Em Off – They Didn’t Taste That Great Anyway.’ But PETA was jonesing for the Clay joke. Whatever. Just give me my pub and go back to your spray painting.
Turns out PETA had an ax to grind with Clay. They released the ad and a press release, quoting Clay talking trash about cats, like ‘Cats are Satan.’ Never mind that Clay keeds. They quoted Clay saying ‘I ran over a kitten when I was 16.’ Never mind that they left out the part where Clay said it was an accident that haunts him to this day. Well played, PETA. And I thought I was the pub whore.
So here I am — caught in the middle of crappy tunes and looney tunes… when all I wanted was to whore myself. Of course, I have to stand with Clay, even if they hadn’t twisted his quotes. This is about a basic human and animal right that must be preserved… the right to poop, to joke, to keed. Look, I sing “Cats Are C***s” on the CD, but I keed. I don’t hate cats. I’ve even banged a few in my day. Just never let a cat give you a hand job.