Triumph The Insult Comic Dog On Conan

Triumph the Comic Insult Dog’s appearance on the red carpet at last week’s MTV Video Music Awards, along with his Eminem run-in and subsequent press conference were featured on Wednesday’s Late Night with Conan O’Brien show. Triumph chatted with *NSYNC’s Joey Fatone, Sammy Hagar, David Lee Roth, and others, while cracking jokes at Christina Aguilera, Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, Busta Rhymes, and others. Read on for a transcript.

Conan: Okay, we have a lot to talk about tonight. I started talking about this last night, and I ranted like a maniac. But, I had to talk about it, ’cause I’d been getting so many questions. I wanna talk — I mentioned it over there — the MTV video music awards. I wanna talk about what happened between triumph, the insult comic dog, and rapper Eminem, all right?

Conan: [ Laughter ] Because a whole lotta ugliness went down. And we had nothing — and now it’s like in the national press. It was in “Newsweek” today, and people are talking about it. So I thought, we have to — I mentioned this last night, but basically what happened is, we were asked by MTV, “could you send triumph, the insult comic dog, over to the video music awards and have him be part of the show?” We were like, “yeah, sure, that’ll be fun.” We did it last year and he talked to J.Lo and the audience was a big hit. So we sent him over there, and he talks to Moby for a little bit, and gets a couple of laughs and it’s all fine. Then, he sees Eminem. And so the puppet starts moving towards Eminem. Eminem freaks out —

Conan: [ Laughter ] — ‘Cause I guess he can handle anything but a puppet coming at him.

Conan: [ Laughter ] That’s something he’s not prepared for. He’ll throw down with anybody out there, but when a puppet’s coming his way, he freaks out. So he shoved the puppet out of the way, and then his posse — his bodyguards — surrounded the puppet and shoved it, and it got really ugly. And we thought, “well, this is cool and great and neat and compelling. This’ll be great.” And MTV panicked and cut away from it really fast. It was like, “and here’s Christina Aguilera.” And they cut away.

Conan: [ Laughter ] And just cued Christina Aguilera to come out in some ho outfit, and —

Conan: [ Laughter ] I’m serious! I don’t know if you saw what she was wearing.

Conan: [ Cheers and applause ] They literally — they literally said, “cue Christina in the ho outfit.”

Conan: [ Laughter ] So she comes out, and they cut away, and then — if you’re watching the live show, you saw the cool, weird, crazy ugliness. Subsequently, MTV has cut it out of the show, so you see triumph talking to Moby for a little bit, and then they just show like, a scene from, “I Dream of Genie,” or something.

Conan: [ Light laughter ] And then they go to Christina Aguilera and it’s all crazy. So anyway, people have been saying, “what the hell happened?” Tonight, we’re gonna set the record straight, all right? Now, before we get to the ugliness of the evening, the altercation between Eminem and Triumph, things were going pretty well. The evening started out very smoothly. We sent Triumph to the red carpet to talk to some of the stars who were there, and he’s such a good interviewer, Triumph.

Conan: [ Laughter ] They were delightful, wonderful interviews where he explored what they’re thinking and what’s going on. It was really beautiful. It should be re-aired on “lifetime television” at some point. Here’s triumph at the red carpet, talking to all the big stars.

[ Cheers ]

Triumph: Pink! Oh, my god, look at you. Good luck against hulk hogan.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Look! It’s the Olsen twins. Come here, girls. You know, in dog years, you guys are legal.

Triumph: [ Light laughter ] Everyone, I’m told this is Busta Rhymes. Either that or Whoopi Goldberg got a sex change.

[ Laughter ]

Real World: The original reality show.

Triumph: Right. You’re in the real world, right?

Real World: Yes, triumph, we are.

Triumph: What a frigging cool. I’ve seen bigger stars the time I accidentally sat on my nuts.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] How are you doing?

Darius Rucker: How are you doing?

Triumph: What’s the deal, what happened? You’re on your own here, what? You got the solo?

Darius: Yeah, I’m not talkin’ to anybody anymore.

Triumph: So you’re, instead of Hootie and Blowfish, you just blow now?

Triumph: [ Laughter ] So you’re the strokes, yes? Look how cute you are. You’re like the Monkees with a drinking problem.

[ Laughter ]

>> Why, thanks. It’s been so long.

Triumph: Oh, yeah! Usher, usher! Come here, don’t ignore me! Usher,
you’re having a great career, but so was steel for awhile.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] In six years, he is an usher. Christina Aguilera, a true superstar who’s not afraid to dress like a desperate groupie.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Come on, baby. ‘N sync! [Joey Fatone] How about it, baby? Come on! Screw your publicist, talk to me.

Triumph: [ Light laughter ] Come here, take a look. I put you in a video. I worked with you last year. Don’t you remember? Look, you were ‘n sync.

Joey: I’m lookin’, I’m lookin’.

Dirty pop

[Triumph doing *NSYNC member doggie in video]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Joey: Who is that? That’s J.C.

Triumph: That’s J.C. You recognize the ass? Ah, it’s David Alan Greer. So tell us about your new sitcom that’s going to be off the air in two months.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Look at this. It’s the hives, everyone. They come from Sweden, where, apparently, body odor isn’t a problem.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Sammy Hagar! You still can’t drive 55?

Sammy: Yeah, si.

Triumph: What about now that you’re 65?

Triumph: [ Laughter ] David Lee Roth! I am happy to have you here, man. My fleas have been wanting to travel. Look at you! Look at you! How exciting, David Lee Roth. I’ve been looking for the valet parking attendant all night.

[ Laughter ]

Justin Timberlake: Hey, buddy!

Triumph: Justin. Yes, he remembers. [Triumph doing *NSYNC member doggie in video]

Triumph: [ Laughter ] P Diddy! Let me go to your crappy party! Come on, don’t you remember that time in the limo? You stuck the gun up my ass to hide it from the police!

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Oh, boy, look at this. It’s the “American Idol” ass [ Bleep ].

Triumph: [ Laughter ] If you ask me, it’s “the weakest link” chick in drag. Right, ass [ Bleep ]? Ass [ Bleep ]!

[ Laughter ]

Conan: Wow. Poor Simon. That wasn’t right.

[ Cheers and applause ] It w a momentary lapse in professionalism. All right. Well, okay, now we get to the ugly part. Later, it was time for triumph to appear on the VMA’s, all right? So he was paired with Moby, all right. And let’s take a look, you know, at what happened as well as the enormous rhubarb with Eminem that MTV is now terrified of showing. Trust me, you won’t see this ugliness anywhere else. Take a look.

Triumph: Hey, I’m here with Moby. I don’t know, you know, I came from Conan, I asked them to hook me up with a hot chick, you know, Gwen Stefani or the Olsen twins, even, you know. But they’re like, “no, no. R. Kelly may show up and want the olsen twins.” You know what I’m saying? And I’m like, “come on.” So they give me this guy. No offense, man, but I wouldn’t let you hump my leg.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Poor, poor, poor Moby. I mean, how could, how could Eminem call you a 36-year-old bald-headed [ Bleep ]?

[ Laughter ]

Triumph: [ Cheers and applause ] All right, we’ll get to you. Seriously, how could he call you a 36-year-old bald-headed guy? I mean, first of all, you’re 35, aren’t you?

Triumph: [ Laughter ] You’re not 36. Eminem. Eminem, come on. Let’s talk to him.

[ Cheers ] Buddy.

Triumph: All right, he had his TV time. Look at this! All right.

Announcer: And please welcome Christina Aguilera.

Conan: So it was a very disturbing, troubling moment for a lot of America. It’s torn this nation apart.

Conan: [ Laughter ] So, anyway, what happened is, triumph was very angry. He’s gathered himself together now. He went over to the press tent, where, as always, he conducted himself quite professionally, I thought, given the circumstances. He answered everybody’s questions.

Triumph: All right. [ Laughter ] Well, you all saw what happened up there. I just want to say to all my fans and friends and to my 213 illegitimate children, that I’m fine, for the most part. As you can see, I did sustain a neck injury, which had immediate ramifications. Right after the scuffle, Christina Aguilera came out on stage, and I was not able to lick myself.

[ Laughter ] Nor have I been able to lick myself since then.

Reporter: How is Moby?

Triumph: Yes. Moby is fine. I saw Moby licking himself to Christina, and also, later on, to Jimmy Fallon. All right. Next question, please.

Repoter: Hi.

Triumph: Yes.

Reporter: “Boston globe.” Are you sorry —

Triumph: Boston is a wonderful town for me to poop on.

[ Laughter ]

Reporter: Did you set out to provoke Eminem?

Triumph: No, no, no. I only wish that Eminem could relax and enjoy all he has, you know? He has a great, unique talent, and he has smooth, white hair. Just like a beagle’s nut sack.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Quite beautiful. Eminem, really, honestly, the guy should lighten up a little. Seriously, I mean, my mom was a bitch, too, but I don’t go writing songs about it, you know what I’m saying?

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Next question.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Reporter: Yeah, if Eminem were a dog, would you have him neutered?

Triumph: You’re an idiot.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] I don’t know what he’s talking about. Everyone, please. Let’s all try to be easy on Eminem. At the end of the day, he’s just another white guy trying to make an honest living stealing black people’s music.

Triumph: [ Laughter ] Thank you very much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Conan: Nice job, there, triumph.

Triumph: Thank you very much.

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