The Osbournes On The Tonight Show

The Osbournes, or at least Kelly, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne were on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Wednesday. Jack was supposed to be on, but they said he was in bed with a blonde woman, so they talked to Ozzy about his birds and the bees chat with Jack. After the interview, Kelly performed her new song ‘Shut Up!’ Read on for a rough transcript.

Jay: My first guests are on America’s most talked-about TV show, “The
Osbournes.” It’s also the biggest hit in MTV history.

[ Applause ] The season premier’s next Tuesday. The new book is called “Officially Osbourne.” Please welcome Ozzy, Sharon, and Kelly Osbourne.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jay: Hey, baby girl.

[ Cheers ] Have you seat, you guys.

[ Scattered applause ] How is everybody doing? Well?

>> Everything’s going great.

Jay: Good, good. You know, I was —

Woman in audience: I love you, sharon!

>> I love you, too!

[ Cheers ]

>> What about me?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jay: You know, you guys were kind enough to invite me over to your house last Friday. And it’s like — it’s like a nut house. I don’t know how you
live there.

[ Light laughter ] I mean, every second, there’s people. There are people living in the garage.

>> You ought to try scratching your ass.

Jay: Really.

>> It’s impossible.

Jay: I mean, there’s no — I thought, well, there must be some privacy. There’s no privacy, is there?

>> Me and Sharon go for a quick chat in my bathroom.

>> We do. We go into his toilet.

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: You go into his toilet?

>> Yeah, because it’s the only place — his actual dressing room has
a camera in it, so we go into the toilet and shut the door and then we have our conversation.

>> It’s very romantic.

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: Real??

>> Yeah. With the smell of urine —

Jay: Yeah, yeah, I think we know. Yeah, yeah. All right. Do you regret doing a second season?

>> No.

Jay: No, it’s just —

>> I don’t.

>> I do.

Jay: Kelly, do you regret it?

>> Yeah.

Jay: What is it you regret about it?

>> You always have someone in your face. Really, it’s kind of annoying. And not everyone wants to be on camera, you know. So there’s a lot of friends that come over that just don’t want to be on camera. And it’s not fair
to them. It gets a little bit uncomfortable. It’s more uncomfortable this season than it was last season.

Jay: Do you forget that they’re there? Do you come out of the shower, go, “oh my god, I forgot the towel.”

>> I do, all the time.

>> Sharon, sharon —

>> I’m in my underwear in the house and I forget, and I’m like, “oh,
god, no.”

>> Sharon came in the bedroom the other just to talk with nothing on
and then the camera crew were there, and they’re all like —

[ Laughter ]

>> No, we all were just like — it was like frozen. They’re staring
at me and I’m staring at them and I’m going — I didn’t even bother to do this, ’cause it’s like, what’s the use?

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: Really.

>> I said lately they’ve seen more than I’m seeing lately.

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: Really? Wow. Where is jack today?

>> Oh, jack. Well, when we left, jack was meant to be here on the show with us. But this blonde head popped up, and my son is not a blonde, in his bedroom. And the lights were all out, but I did see this blonde head.

Jay: Oh.

>> I walked in, and I says, “we gotta go to the leno show.” And, “I
don’t wanna go.” “You got a chick in bed? In your room?”

[ Laughter and applause ]

>> So I think, as we speak, jack is still in bed with a blonde.

Jay: Wow.

>> What’s he doing in bed with a blonde, Sharon?

>> Showing her his stamp collection.

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: Now Ozzy, let me ask you this. As the father, have you sat down
with your son and had that man-to-man birds and the bees kind of —

>> Well, I’m very, very straight to the point. I say, “you know that
in the rain, you’re wearing a rain coat?”

[ Laughter ] And he goes —

[ Stuttering ] “If I’m gonna screw a chick, why would I wanna use a
rain coat?”

Jay: Why would you wear a rain coat? Yeah, yeah. Maybe too literal.

>> Besides, it’s very — just be careful, you know. If she’s got any
older friends, bring ’em home.

[ Audience ohs ]

[ Sharon laughs ]

>> Men in audience: Sharon, you rock!

Jay: So have you — have you told them to — have you told him to wear a condom, maybe given him that advice?

>> Of course I have.

Jay: Yeah. Wear it all the time?

>> That’s the most uncomfortable thing in the whole entire world, though, like when you’re standing there and you dad says, “oh, if you go out and
you happen to have sex, make sure you have a condom.” It’s kind of like, “okay, thanks for embarrassing me.”

>> I thought you meant it was uncomfortable for you to wear it. I’m
going, “hold on here. What’s going on?” It’s the most uncomfortable thing?

>> No, seriously. Like, you’re standing, you’re with your friends —

>> I wear a condom.

>> You lie.

>> You’re just like, “kill me right now.” It’s like the most embarrassing thing.

Jay: Really, so you wish your parents were little straighter, maybe?
More conservative?

>> No, I don’t care if they say that to me, but it’s just like the way that they say it. It’s just a little bit like —

Jay: A little too much. Look, you see — you went “huff.”

>> Huff.

Jay: Now how many dogs in the house now?

>> Two.

>> Ten. Ten dogs.

Jay: I have to admit when I walked in —

>> You know what, jay, they all crap in my bathroom.

[ Laughter ]

>> No, you don’t know what happened. Let me tell you what happened.
When jay came over, we sat down on the sofa talking. And I’m going, “geez, somebody’s farted.” It’s like, no, the dog was in the corner taking a crap as we were talking.

>> He was welcoming jay to the house.

>> No, and I’m going, “god, I hope jay doesn’t see that crap in the

Jay: It’s the only house I’ve been in where there’s no dog mess in the yard, but it’s in the house.

[ Laughter ]

>> I know. I know.

Jay: I’ve never seen anybody use a popper scooper in the house before. I tell you what, we’ll take a little break and we’ll find out more than
we need to know right after this. Be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> I’m a really good driver.

Jay: You’re a really good driver? You haven’t got any tickets or anything?

>> Well,he first month I got my license like two years ago, I got like two tickets.

>> Things have been okay. You haven’t plowed into anybody.

>> We just had the car go in every week because there’s chunks out of her tires, where she — I think it’s the curb.

>> I hit the curb. And the only car I don’t hit the curb in is my new one.

Jay: Well, good.

>> It is, yeah. Very, very protective over that.

Jay: Good, good. Very cool. You know, I see both your mother and your father in you. Do you have any of their habits? Do you have any of the
habits of your parents?

>> I have like, my dad’s bad habits like burping and farting, and like —

[ Light laughter ]

>> I don’t fart. I pass wind.

[ Laughter ]

>> And just stuff like that.

>> Picking your nose.

>> And the whole not showering thing. My own — I think I have my mom’s, like, sense of humor.

Jay: Do your parents ever embarrass you? You mentioned before about
the condom thing before you do out.

>> It’s part of being a parent to embarrass your children. You just
gotta get on with it.

>> She gets embarrassed when I flash her friends.

>> All the time!

[ Audience ohs ]

Jay: You mean flash your friends as in naked flash your friends?

>> Yeah.

>> She used to do this thing when I was a kid —

>> She does it better than I do it.

>> She comes in the room, and she’ll be like, “I’m working out,” and then the lights flick on and she’s standing there naked, like, doing a dance. I’m like, “oh my god, please get out of here right now.” My friends will
be like, “I’m never coming over here again, your mom’s nuts.” I’m like
no! I can imagine being 12 and like — alternative parenting or what?

Jay: Oh, okay. Really?

>> Your mom didn’t do that?

Jay: No, my mom did not do that.

[ Laughter ]

>> You mean when you brought friends home, they’d come home for tea
after school, and you’d just go, morning!

>> My mom us to do the —

[ Light laughter ]

Jay: What’s that, ozzy?

>> My mom used to be the largest farts in the world.

[ Laughter ]

>> Ozzy, she did not.

>> She did.

>> Didn’t you say she use she to warm her bum by the fire? Pick up her dress?

>> Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

>> It’s cold in — where Ozzy comes from.

Jay: What did you want to do? Did you always want to be a musician?
What did you want to do as a kid?

>> When I left school, I wanted to be a plumber.

Jay: A plumber.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ozzy mumbling ]

Jay: Are you good with plumbing?

[ Light laughter ]

>> He’s fantastic.

Jay: Really, do you fix things around the house?

>> Everything. Everything.

>> The only thing I fix is, “dad, the toilet’s overflowed. Get the plunger.”

[ Laughter ]

>> He’s great with a plunger.

Jay: Good with the plunger, okay, all right. All right.

>> And dog poop.

[ Laughter ]

Jay: Now, I understand you met the queen. You performed for the queen.

>> Oh, yeah.

Jay: Had you met the queen before? Was that quite an honor?

>> I’ve met a few queens —

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

>> But this was the real one.

Jay: What was this like? Were you nervous to meet the queen?

>> Well, aye, that Kermit the —

[ Laughter ] Kermit the [ Bleep ] Frog on my shoulder.

Jay: Hang on, hang on. Why would you meet the queen with Kermit the
frog on your shoulder?

>> No, the [ Bleep ] Frog.

Jay: Kermit the —

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] But why, if you’re meeting the queen, why would you go with Kermit on your shoulder?

>> It wasn’t my idea. This Kermit thought, “oh, I’ll jump on Ozzy.”
Rod Stewart turned around and punched Kermit’s lights out.

>> No, rod kept like saying, “get away.”

Jay: Oh, Rod kept punching Kermit.

>> Yeah. And he wouldn’t go away and the guy was like, sat down like
this with the frog on Ozzy’s shoulder. And Ozzy’s like kicking him from behind. And rod punched Kermit so hard that he kind of fell.

[ Laughter ]

Jay: All in front of the queen?

>> All in front of the queen.

Jay: She couldn’t have been prouder to be queen of you subjects, boy.

>> Can you imagine my great, great, great grandchildren when they see the photo?

>> There’s the photo of the queen and ozzy and kermit. And it’s like
only ozzy could meet the queen with a [ Bleep ] Frog on his shoulder.

[ Cheers and applause ] It’s like, “why us?” Why us?

Jay: And you met — did you meet Charles? What’s her name, Camilla Parker-Bowles?

>> I met prince charles. I pinched his bum, felt his bum. I pinched
it and twisted it.

[ Laughter ]

Jay: Can you do that? I mean, is that legal?

>> He’s got a flat bum, actually.

Jay: Really?

>> Ooh, mom!

>> She goes to Camilla and goes for the titties

>> I was just trying to break the ice, for god’s sakes.

Jay: Hang on, hang on.

>> You don’t go to somebody, “how are you doing?”

[ Laughter ]

Jay: You grabbed Camilla’s?

>> “How are you doing?”

Jay: You went like this to Camilla Parker-Bowles and you grabbed her?

>> I went like that to Camilla, and then I lifted them from underneath.

Jay: Why?

>> Because she had this great cleavage and it was embarrassing. There was no atmosphere in there because everybody’s trying to be so polite,
and they’re like sipping, and like, you know, social chat. So I thought, I’ll break the ice, cut right to the chase, and told her she has great titties. She does.

[ Laughter ] She does.

[ Cheers ]

Jay: What did she say?

>> She said, “thank you.”

Jay: Really?

[ Laughter ]

>> Yes.

>> Sharon, sharon, you can’t do that to royalty.

[ Laughter ]

Jay: And you’re going back to England? You haven’t been —

>> We’re going back to England the weekend.

>> She tells us, “you haven’t been around here in the afternoon.” And we wonder why.

Jay: Now let me ask you something, is this going to be the last season? I keep hearing that this is the last season.

>> Yes.

>> No.

>> J: It’s not?

>> No, wait. When I said that, I was having a really bad day, and I
wasn’t feeling good. And I said, I can’t do it anymore ’cause I’m a drama queen. But we’ve made a commitment to mtv. And we will fulfill our commitment
to MTV.

[ Laughter ] And, I mean, how can you turn it down when we get all this and all these great people?

[ Cheers ]

Jay: I mean, when I went to your house, there were people trying to
climb the wall.

>> That’s why we have the sprinkler thing, though.

>> We have the sprinkler system.

Jay: When you hit your buzzer, they get sprayed with water.

[ Laughter ]

>> Yes.

Jay: I know, I found that out.

>> You could use it on stage. The idea on stage and at home, the water.

>> But the kids love it because it’s fun.

Jay: Now, kelly, you’re going to sing later, right?

>> I am.

Jay: So you’re going to go warm up your voice a little bit? I see you’re practicing now, getting in the mood.

>> She’s very shy.

Jay: She’s going to go practice and you guys will stay here for when
mekhi comes out.

>> I love mekhi.

Jay: Well, it’s “the osbournes.” Sharon, ozzy and kelly. Thanks, you

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