TRL… Lou Pearlman Goofed On In SNL Skit

Saturday Night Live had a hilarious skit based on MTV’s Total Request Live with special guest Lou Pearlstein [Pearlman] introducing his latest boy band. Read on for a transcript to the skit and lyrics to the genetic freak band’s song.

[cheering]

[ girls screaming ]

Carson: shut up!

[ Laughter ] welcome to “TRL.” I’m Carson Daly. Genial, nonthreatening, a little doughy and yet, there’s something about me, isn’t there?

[ Laughter ] all right. We have a big show for you today. He’s a very special guest. Having created more than 40 pop bands, here he is from Orlando, Florida, Lou Perlstein.

[ Girls screaming ]

Lou: hello. Hello, kids.

Carson: Wow. Lou Perlstein. Now for those of us who aren’t familiar with your history, tell us some of the bands that you’ve created.

Lou: A lot of bands. The upgrade. Cool ‘tude review. Tykeytown. Color me bad.

Carson: Now how many of those are you still managing?

Lou: None. Not one. Not a thing. Here’s what it is. I take them to the big time, I break them, and then they leave me. They leave me.

Carson: Now that’s not cool. What’s up with that?

Lou: I like to wet the beak. I like to get a taste. I like to double dip.

Carson: I don’t understand.

Lou: I embezzle. I take their money. I’m a thief. These kids, they got parents and lawyers and police and child endangerment laws and judges. Here’s a tip. If you delete something from your hard drive, it’s not gone! The FBI can still find it.

[ Laughter ]

Carson: so I understand you brought together a new group — hey, why don’t you tell us about that?

Lou: I got thinkin’, there’s so many talented musicians in the world. What if I were to knock them out with a chemical and take their blood, their DNA, and then bring it to a lab in Mexico, because it’s like they got no laws down there. You know what I’m sayin’? And then they could genetically engineer a boy band.

Carson: You are a crazy man. But that’s all good.

[ Laughter ] without further ado, let’s meet the new band named for the protein-rich, gelatinous medium in which were raised. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Agar.

[ Applause ]

Lou: first up, kyle, the shy one.

[ Girls screaming ] next, here’s Chadddd, spelled with four “ds.” He’s the cute one.

[ Girls screaming ] and look out, ladies, here comes Greg. He’s the wild one, and he’s allergic to light.

[ Girls screaming ]

Carson: he’s allergic to light?

Lou: Yeah. He’s got a defect. Kids out there have defects, too. You know, they need someone to look up to. Someone out there, there might be a kid with, i don’t know, gills and lobster claws for arms. I mean, who do these kids look up to?

Carson: I don’t know.

Lou: Say hello to Jeremy.

[ Screams ]

Lou: and finally, the sweet baby of the group, I just made him — ass face.

[ Girls screaming ]

Carson: wow. Agar, everybody. You know, Lou, they have a really — watch your hands there. I don’t know how to define it. Can’t really put a label on these — they’re freaks. They’re genetic freaks.

Lou: Exactly. Mutants is what they are, yeah. Little tip — if you’re putting together a boy band at the molecular level, and you accidentally spill Captain Morgan’s rum into the dish, you should throw that batch out.

[ Laughter ] anyway, they’re here. They don’t lip-sync, none of that for my bands. And they got talent. Let’s see ’em sing.

Carson: All right, without further ado, here’s the new single from Agar called “Thinkin’ ’bout Love.”

Girl, when I think about you I’m in heaven

girl, i think about you 24/7

thinkin’ ’bout love think about love

think about you

ah, girl, I think about you all the time, and every time I do it really blows my mind! Woo!

[ Laughter ] it burns! It burns!

Girl you’re all I dream about

you’re all I dream about girl, I want to get wit you.

[ Laughter ] even though my penis looks like a thick piece of bacon with a toenail hangin’ from it.

[ Laughter ] it’s hard to explain. You just have to see it. The point is, forget it, girl, just kill me. I’ll give you the knife. I don’t want you to have to live like this! I’ve got gills!

Thinkin’ ’bout love thinkin’ ’bout love

thinkin’ ’bout you

ass face, take it home!

[ Loud screech ]

ass face

you’re my girl

[ cheers and applause ]

Carson:  what — what was that?

Lou: The liquid? I don’t know exactly. But I do know it eats through metal.

Carson: Look, I’m Carson Daly, I got eight other shows to do, bye.