Madonna’s Flops Revisited (1) - The Movies

Contributed anonymously:

All in all, Madonna has appeared in 17 films (18 if that embarrassing pre-celebrity status soft-porn flick “A Certain Sacrifice” [which WAS a hit on video] is included, 19 if you include that cameo in the documentary “Torrence Rises” [1999], and 20 if you count that short film called “Star” for a car commercial). Though noted for her success in music, Madonna is also celebrated for her many film flops — an accomplishment that earned her the reputation of being the worst actress ever and instant box-office poison. Of the 19 films she appeared in, only one was a certified hit (“Desperately Seeking Susan” [1985] — her very first mainstream lead [or second lead] role), two enjoyed moderate success (“Truth Or Dare” [1992] and “Evita” [1996]), and three enjoyed mainstream success — because she was only a supporting cast member or she just had a cameo (“Dick Tracy [1990], “A League Of Their Own” [1992] and “Die Another Day” [2002]).

So let’s go back in time and celebrate her numerous movie failures:

1. Vision Quest [1985] - A young Madonna makes a cameo as a singer for a local rock band and her #1 hit “Crazy For You” is the main theme. Not a bad film, but unfortunately forgotten. Oh, by the way…did I mention it tanked?

2. Shanghai Surprise [1986] - Madonna plays against type by portraying a prim and proper 1930s missionary for bad boy then-real life hubby Sean Penn. Bad publicity. Bad story. Bad acting. Bad box-office results.

3. Who’s That Girl [1987] - Madonna attempts comedy and failed to make people laugh. The title song went to #1 at the Billboard charts for the time she’s most capable of staying at #1: 1 pathetic week.

4. Bloodhounds Of Broadway [1989] - Madonna gives justice to the role and look of a 1920s flapper girl. Good film, good story by the great Damon Runyon. Unfortunately it wasn’t given a chance — it went straight to video.

5. Shadows And Fog [1992] - Artsy Woody Allen film with a big-name ensemble cast. Set in a circus in the 30s. Great. But like most arthouse films, it flopped.

6. Body Of Evidence [1993] - Laughable parody of “Basic Instinct” where Madonna desperately does a laughable Sharon Stone. Got what it deserves: it flopped.

7. Dangerous Game [1993] - Another straight-to-video affair. LOL.

8. Blue In The Face [1995] - Madonna makes a cameo as a singing telegram. Does anyone know this flop even exist?

9. Four Rooms [1995] - Madonna portrays a true-to-life role: a witch. Everybody got scared, so no one watched it.

10. Girl 6 [1996] - Another true-to-life cameo role for the hag: an aging prostitute. Everyone stayed away as usual.

11. The Next Best Thing [2000] - Good film generally. Good music. Not given a chance, so it tanked.

12. Swept Away [2002] - To each her own: Mariah has her “Glitter” and J.Lo has her “Gigli.” “Swept Away” is definitely one of the greatest flops in the history of cinema, to say the least.